My Fitness File April is going to be a little different than the last ones because I’m going to talk about body confidence and #bodygoals.
Yes, it’s also half a month late, but I took a step back because I was struggling. I’ll explain.
Body Confidence and #bodygoals
I’ve been going to the gym for several months now. I don’t go every single day and I don’t deprive myself of foods that I love, so the results haven’t been worthy of a “transformation” picture on social media. No one has told me that my body is #bodygoals. Do you know why there haven’t been these comments and my shape hasn’t drastically changed? Because it’s real life. I say no to the gym so I can spend time with friends. I say no to the gym because sometimes I’m just too exhausted from work and all I want to do is lay in my bed and read and that’s OKAY.
It may be okay and I may have an easy time typing this, but it’s been hard for me lately. I’m finally just understanding how to love my body.
Every day I go to my mirror and lift up my shirt to look at my stomach. Sometimes I stand there naked and it feels like I have an invisible microscope that I use to judge every inch of my body. When I do this it leaves me feeling empty inside, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to stop.
I know I’m not fat. I know I don’t need to lose any weight. I know I should be confident in my own body. If I know all these things, why is it still so hard to have body confidence?
I look at every woman in the gym and there’s something I like better about them than I like about myself. How bad is that? I compare myself to everyone silently. I see other women as healthy, fit, inspiring and beautiful. But I’m having a hard time calling myself any of those things?
My dream is to look in the mirror and not hate anything.
This weekend I looked in the mirror and in my mind I thought:
My thighs are too big
My stomach isn’t flat enough
My arms aren’t toned
My face is too round
My butt isn’t big enough
My teeth are white enough
My skin is uneven
I felt like complete and utter shit and I broke down and I knew that’s when I needed to make a change. I’m tired of hating what I was created with. I’m not willing to despise my body anymore. I’m not going to allow my mind to say such hateful things about myself anymore.
As women, we’re taught to look perfect. To be perfect because if you’re not perfect, a man will never want to be with you. I’m so scared I won’t be good enough for someone because I was never enough in the past. I have the constant fear that the person I am with will go to someone else secretly that is better than me.
But that changes now because it’s so unbelievably unhealthy. I shake my head in disbelief rereading these words I have written because this isn’t the kind of woman I’ve worked so hard to become.
I want to love how my tummy creates rolls when I sit down because that stomach keeps me full. I want to love my pale skin because it’s my armour for any danger I get into. My not so perfect teeth are still holding strong. They’ve gone through many years without a visit to the dentist because we never had enough money to go.
We deserve to love ourselves ? We fear the mirror, the scale and we fear other people’s thoughts of us way too much. I’ve been struggling with wanting to be lean and fit and then looking at myself in the mirror with an invisible microscope judging every inch of my body. That needs to stop now. I’m going to stop focusing on toning my body and I’m going to focus on growing love for myself. I want to love my skin, my scars, my hips and the rolls I get when I sit. We deserve to love our shape. It’s a waste of time dreaming of looking a different way, being a different person. Next time you go to look in the mirror and talk negatively about yourself, think about something you love instead. It’s okay to embrace and love the body you have. ??✨ #growyoursoul #loveyourbody #TheBookofMolly #personalgrowth #selflovejourney
My butt may not look like they do in the music videos, but it’s my butt and I need to love it.
Every single inch of me has helped me become the woman I am today. It’s fueled me when I didn’t think I could go on. It’s healed my wounds, formed my scars and it’s done all of this without being asked.
We don’t need to be afraid and embarrassed by ourselves. We’re beautiful beings that deserve so much more love. We’re quite amazing if you really think about it.
If we continue to fill our bodies with hate because we don’t have the “dream body” that all of the girls on Instagram have, we’re going to create a dark monster inside of us.
To be honest, that dark monster nearly reared it’s head this past couple of weeks and it scared me enough to make some changes. I took a small step back from the gym. I unfollowed the people on Instagram who were feeding that monster. I worked on my personal mental health with walks outside, journal entries and self-care nights. I allowed myself to sleep in when I needed to, nap when my body asked for it and I filled my tummy up with healthy, fresh foods.
I spent time with people who made me laugh and who filled my heart with joy and love. They probably didn’t know I was struggling, so they probably didn’t realize how much they were silently helping me push that monster away.
This self-love thing is a journey and I’ve realized I probably haven’t even passed the 1km mark of the race yet.
The biggest thing I’ve learned is that the gym will never be about losing a certain amount of weight. It will never be about going so hard that I want to pass out. It will be about exercising in a healthy way to keep my anxiety at bay. It will be about those Monday evening chats with the women that I see in my classes who have become friends.
I will never be that Instagram model. I won’t have an eye-catching transformation picture. I don’t need a perfect feed because it gives me absolutely nothing in return.
Instead, I will have a healthy mind, a healthy soul and a healthy body that will carry me while I accomplish all my goals. Now that’s real-life body goals.