I found out I was expecting our first baby on September 14th. I was supposed to get my period the day before and I didn’t, so I went to the store and secretly got home and took the test. I remember waiting and hoping that I would see “pregnant” come up on the screen.
The minutes felt like hours, but when I turned it over and I saw PREGNANT on the screen, I couldn’t contain myself. I couldn’t believe it. Since I was a little girl, I’ve wanted to be a mom. When people ask me what my life purpose is or what I want to do in my life, my response has always been to raise a family and be a mom.
I have so much love to give and I know being a mom is something that I’ve been destined to become. Seeing that word on the test was the first of many pinch-me moments from this pregnancy so far. I took a second test just to confirm and when I saw the double line, I knew it… we were going to be having a baby!
I wrote Matt a card that said “Matt” on the outside and “…. aka DAD” on the inside. He was speechless when I gave it to him minutes later with the pregnancy tests.
I had to write that card 3 times because my hands were shaking so much my writing was WAY too messy to read.
This is when the waiting and loneliness began.
We decided to keep it a secret from mostly everyone (it was really hard for me to keep my mouth shut to my best friends, so a handful of people knew). We wanted to make sure we could make it to the 12-week mark without any complications.
Here’s where it became really lonely for me. I was scared of miscarrying having known a lot of people who have miscarried and follow people online who have experienced this horrific loss. I felt like everywhere I turned, there was another story of a family losing a baby and I felt alone. Scared. Worried.
I wanted to share my incredibly happy news with all of my loved ones, but I didn’t want to share with them if I lost the baby early either. I fought an internal battle for many weeks on how I was feeling and how I could possibly be so happy and so worried at the same time. Feeling two opposite emotions together create such a feeling inside of you that it’s a lot to handle.
I counted down the weeks until we started feeling comfortable sharing the news with our family members. I came to the conclusion that if I did experience a loss, I would want them to be there to support us through it either way. And I know that there is never a “safe zone” when it comes to pregnancy. I tell the universe (and Bill who I know is protecting and guiding me) to keep us safe and protected)
So, we started telling our families and everyone went ecstatic.
I think we surprised a lot of people into being speechless because they didn’t know we were trying.
I found the first trimester of my pregnancy more difficult than I thought it would be. I knew the worry would be there, but I felt more alone than I thought I would feel. I don’t know how else to explain it other than feeling isolated within myself with my own thoughts and worries and not being able to share them fully with those around me. I’m a very open person so having my internal world changing so much while not sharing it with my friends and family was such a weird experience.
I also had to work through some other internal work because I’ve had many friends who have had babies and I thought I was there for them in pregnancy, but now experiencing it myself, I knew I could have been there for them better. I didn’t fully understand the experience, the emotions, the worry and the change of body. I struggled for awhile knowing that I truly had no idea what my friends were going through when they found out they were expecting.
We’ve had one ultrasound on Oct 20th that determined our due date of May 25th. The technician said our baby reminded her of a little sour patch kid because of the size and how much it was moving. Seeing the heartbeat at the ultrasound and having Matt be able to be in the room during that first appointment made it feel SO real. But, drinking that litre of water and holding my pee was a whole other feeling and experience.
Just this Tuesday I had another appointment with my midwife who said everything is going so well and that I’m very healthy. We also got to hear the heartbeat which was a very emotional experience for me. Two hearts inside one body. I feel double the love and the luck. I also got to see the birthing suite where I’ll be giving birth. If all goes well, I will have a water birth with my midwife and doula and Matt supporting me throughout the experience. I was born in water with a midwife and it’s always something I knew I wanted to do when I had babies.
Knowing that this is my life, that I’m here, growing a human inside of me to love and protect is something beautiful and magical. Another pinch-me moment. I cannot wait to love whoever is in my belly and watch them grow into whoever they want to become.
I had an upbringing full of brokenness, lies, trauma, turmoil, loss of love, a lot of searching for love from family and from not the best people. It was an experience I do not wish on anyone, especially a child. I’m nervous and excited to become a mama to this child. To someone, I don’t know but know I will do everything to ensure that their upbringing is full of love, lessons, calmness, family, support and a lot of laughter and good memories. The support system that Matt and I have around us is one that is beautiful and so big. Our baby bean is going to grow up with an abundance of LOVE.
I have a lot of lessons ahead of me to learn. A lot of mistakes to be had. A lot of tears to be shed and a lot of love to give. I cannot believe my life long dream is finally becoming a reality.
My first trimester pregnancy symptoms/experience
- Sore boobs. So sore. Immediately my boobs starting to grow and were painful especially overnight. I started wearing a light sports bra to bed for support and comfort
- Tiredness. From weeks 5-8ish, I was exhausted. I had a nap most afternoons and wasn’t able to get much work done past 1 pm. I’m sO glad I’m self-employed and work from home.
- Nausea. I haven’t thrown up yet, thankfully, but I experienced nausea from weeks 8-11ish. I’d need to eat as soon as I woke up and every couple of hours to keep me from feeling sick.
- Bagels. All I want to eat are bagels.
- My belly feels tight when I stretch and turn my body
- Headaches. There have been two different times where I’ve experienced horrible 2-day headaches that just wouldn’t go away. Peppermint oil and bubble baths have been my saving grace.
With all of these things, 99.9% of them have gone away now and I’m feeling extremely good. I’m taking all of my vitamins and supplements that my naturopath gave to me, I’m getting B12 shots monthly, going to the chiropractor every month and all-around really enjoying the experience.
I look at my belly every single day searching for a bump. It’s there and it’s growing!